On most days i am enough to live a bit. Today i am quite spent.
I’ve been learning the walls in my room, i know the sound my bed makes from the restlessness, the tossing and turning. The 3 am sun greets my eyes with unpleasant harshness. For some reason even this natural beauty is irritating.
There is not ‘talking’ about what i am feeling. its just an empty void, a blank stare, an empty bottle. There is noise and quiet in my head. All that loud doesn’t make sense, it’s too much, it’s ripping at my soul so all i end up doing is lying in bed half asleep with a lump of painkillers in my throat.
Nothing really hurts, the water is a bit too far for my exhausted body. i’m watching images flicker on the screen and for the life of me i wish i could reach out and touch something real. Something alive enough to drag me out of myself.
I think about bodies melting into each other. My hands wonder over my body but depression is a bitter drink that dulls the taste of an orgasm. It feels like pain, and heartbreak, and although i’m breathing heavy and feeling something i’d rather just be asleep. I stay up a few more hours trying to distract my mind. Nothing works.
When i finally do sleep, i can feel my sheets turning into snakes around my body. It is hot and for some unknown reason my throat is dry and i cant speak or scream. I’m not sureif it is the heat or my mind playing tricks on me, again. I wake up drenched in sweat and realize it hasn’t been an hour since i fell asleep. Sometimes if i am lucky there are distractions waiting in the form of another body.
But even that hasn’t helped today. It hasnt helped in a while and i’m taken back to my friends words. ” don’t fuck to stop feeling”. I don’t know what to do with myself. Its 5 am and i’m trying to learn a dance choreography on YouTube. At least i’m not thinking. There are still notifications on my social media. Everyone thinks i’m the happiest person in the world right now because i graduated.
No one saw me cry whilst donning my gown.
No one saw me cry while packing my suitcases.
yeah i’m coming home but all i can think now is how many demons i left there, how many more i will meet. How much harder it will be to avoid them with family around.
On most days i am enough to live a bit, to try a bit.
Today i am quite spent.