I can’t find the blue pills

I think she must have been trembling, biting her lower lip in worry,  I think she was wrong to think of me when she heard the news but in the same breath she must love me to worry… right?

The news?

Someone was brave enough to decide to leave the world. Chair and rope perhaps. Far from the busy people doing incredible things like living. She decided to call it quits, the bees kept buzzing and it sounded like depression but no one ever got close enough to let the bee sting them. I don’t think she showed anyone all the sting marks.

My reaction?

Did she leave a note? a reason? kids? family? What did she leave behind? Was it only the ghost of her presence or perhaps something to help us understand. Was i selfish for wanting to know her reasons? I only met her once, i don’t recall anything about that meeting but her picture had eyes with secrets that were drowning her.

Life is beautiful, in its beginnings and endings. I mean, we are all going to die anyway. But… but i can’t say that out loud. My mother can’t hear it. Not my friends lest they judge me. I can’t hear this either… i have to convince myself i have an entire lifetime ahead(which i do, for how ever long it is). I need to look at the fucked up days as a form of measure to compare to my happy days. God knows i want to succeed at this life thing. He also knows my heart.

Let’s go back to the bees, have you ever been stung? how often? how many times this year alone? me? i’m doing better than i was last year. Not sure why but i’m breathing easy and the reactions don’t stay as long. It just gets complicated when you have to convince someone you haven’t seen in over a year that you are doing just fine.

depression isn’t a number i have stored in order to call randomly when i’m feeling bored. It is sometimes a subtle change in the weather.. like when you can smell petrichor , then it rains. sometimes… i can tell i’m about to go under and i stall but rain is rain and it will fall. Other times it is random and instant. the clouds roll in and its cats and dogs everywhere. Do you understand?

I don’t want you to worry about me… especially now. because you are scared. because someone reminded you that suicide is actually quite easy. because you feel i’m too far to see my broken, i know you can hear the cracks and sometimes you feel them but i promise i wont jump. even when it’s hard, i wont kick the chair, i wont jump into the deep end.

I wont swallow the blue pills.

i’m coming home.

and I love you.

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