“I’m Fine” – My Favorite Lie

“I’m okay.”
Aren’t we always.

I’m tired, I’m tired and I just want to sink into myself. I’ve learnt every curve and corner of this bed. It’s the safest place I know when my mothers arms aren’t available to me.

Even though sometimes I feel like those same arms may try to squeeze the emptyness out of me. The nothingness. The void. That which we do not understand.

I am sure I was smiling just a few minutes ago. I’m sure I was content. And now for the life of me I want the earth to swallow me whole.

I want to lie down in this spot until God comes and say’s it’s okay to move now. It’s over. You don’t have to feel. You don’t have to try to be happy or content all the time. Just be.

Just be.

I’m alternating between angry and sad. A swinging pendulum. It feels like rage, like pain. It’s exhausting. I want it to stop. One part of me is curled up crying, the other throwing insults around my mind.

“You will never amount to anything.”
“You are worthless. Lying around crying like that will save you from yourself”

I feel like I’m wasting oxygen. A pathetic excuse of a human being. Like my plan ends here. This is all I will ever have to do. And I want so much to believe I am more!
I want so much to not have to pretend like it’s okay.

“What’s wrong with you? You are sleeping too much.”

Sleep is just a non permanent solution.

“Did I offend you?”
You did not but it hurts when you try to reach for me and I keep getting lost in myself. I don’t want to carry the burden of you feeling bad for me.

It just hurts.

I don’t know how to turn it off. On some days not even writing can save me. Not even love can lead me away from the edge. And I am scared.
I am terrified.

I don’t want this mental illness to cage me.
I don’t want to be the one that’s not strong enough to overcome her thoughts.

I don’t want to lie to people who ask me if I’m okay.
I don’t want them to blame themselves for what I am feeling.
For what I am going through.

I hope you get it.
That you understand and give me the time and space.
I hope to find you when it’s over. But most of all:
I hope I survive.

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