A Royal Fuckup

I Have Fallen.

Most of my diary entries begin like this these days, so many downfalls and failures.

So many things i could have done better, so many things i wouldn’t change but wish the me in a parallel dimension would do differently. I want so much but do so little to get there. I often don’t even try. I just wait, and wait, as though all i want will be handed to me one day.

I know about life and her tales, how rough it gets and how some people have everything easy like breathing. I am not those people, i will never be those people. I am what i am, and all i have is my lemons, but it seems i just want to make alcoholic drinks and drown in pools of my own making.

I am scared.

More often than not i am scared. I am  a royal fuckup. with my crown of flaws. i am my mothers only daughter and i feel the fears of messing up everything she has worked so hard to keep me from. A part of me wants to live the thrill of being on the edge constantly, i am not strong enough for that i know that now.

To my family, i hope all the dreams and hopes you have placed in me don’t become stories that you once dreamed about. I hope i become the type of woman my brothers can look up to and find inspiration from. I will not be a model example, i will do unrully things but i hope i make you proud.

For the man i so dearly love, i know i am not all i say i am, i know i do things that set flames to your heart. I know the silence isn’t what we have to offer but rather a stepping stone if we wish it to be. i am young and old… an experienced novice. I can’t promise to not hurt you, never intentionally. but i will love you with all that i am if you let me.

For the people who know me or think they know me. I am not a single shade of any color. no particular form or sound. I am not  a book you have read and now know inside and out. I am human, with thoughts that breath fire and sometimes freeze. i am not simple or complicated, neither here nor there. Take me as i am in the moment.

For myself. Hug yourself tighter. Keep trying to quit your bad habits, love harder, keep the faith and most of all…

forgive yourself.

love me

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