Emptying Sad Bottles

I’m not sad anymore.

I’m not angry, or happy or any of those other things you call them. I’ve successfully managed to fold every feeling neatly into one suitcase. Now, it’s just one large load that weighs down on me but it doesn’t kill me, not really.

Ever feel empty?

I have, sometimes months at a time. I’m scared of going back there, I try not to but often it creeps up on me and it takes so much from me that walking, or talking becomes a heavy-duty chore that I do not want to engage in. I don’t want to communicate with the universe because ill have to open the suitcase and what if somethings fly away? What will I do with all the space? what if there is no more room for the new things and I have to let go of something?

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I have betrayed my past enough. I’m an emotional hoarder.

I think I’ve packed everything up so I can always feel something, so my heart knocks against something while it’s beating.  I’m keeping everything because I am afraid to forget, I am afraid I will forget the sound of my mothers laughter, I am afraid I will forget what it felt like the first time I kissed the sunset, I’m afraid my heart will completely heal and I wont have any stories of lost lovers,  assholes, crushed dreams or just scars I gave myself when I didn’t love myself.

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I’ve decided to take better care of myself. It’s all fun and games till I get high and can’t keep the bag closed. Lost parts of me in a drunk daze it took a while to notice they were gone but the space was vast and now I’m sitting in my room, a sobbing mess at 3:46 am.

I hate this feeling.

I over-think everything.

I shut people out, not because i want to, it’s just that explaining why everything is in shades of black is not easy. think of the magnificence of the ocean with no life in it.

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I am not sad anymore.

I’m learning how to live in now and here.

I’m not bitter about life and all the characters God has given me to act with. I have no complaints about the props and stage set up.

I only become empty if I hold on to the past, I should reach into infinity and create a moment I long for.

I dont want to be empty.

Until then, I’ll be finishing this Glass of Vodka and orange juice, whilst watching sleep flirt with my soul.

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