I am afraid of intimacy.
The kind that begins to strip my clothes before my thoughts.
Lately, I’ve noticed something that could come close to being a pattern. You know when you give someone the time of the day and it turns into a habit, maybe you guys watch a movie every Friday, or you spend a certain amount of time talking each day, and gradually it goes from one movie to two, and the conversations grow to personal things, and that quiet type of intimacy sneaks in.
Life throws all kinds of characters in your life. I’m still learning how to handle them. I’m still learning how to speak about the things that I am not comfortable with. I genuinely don’t like hurting people, but sometimes, my opinion bruises ego’s. slowly, I’m learning “not to care”, because they don’t respect my personal space.
Sometimes, someone decides they want more from whatever it is. Depending on the genders of the said people, now in my case. It’s often been in situations where I want to be close to males, to be given the fair chance of being seen as human before female. You know. But often, it turns into discussions about my ass or tits, and I feel sexualized, a lot.
So I get angry and send these long texts [I suck at face to face confrontations] expressing the desire to be just friends, who can chill, talk deep things and have fun. Not thinking of it as a friend zone thing because it’s not every guy I meet that I will want to have something sexual with, it’s just lovely to have human to human interaction without worrying about zones and shitty stuff like that.
It gets awkward, when you have to turn your head away when they lean in for a kiss, or guide their hand to a neutral place, even worse if they get mad about you not wanting to associate with them that way.
It’s all fun and games up to the point where I feel like you don’t know where to end the game.
Or whatever it is.
Any advice about how to handle such situations? Last week a [drunk] girl macked on me so hard I felt violated, esp cause she kept holding my hands to keep me from walking away, this week she inboxed me , her sober self is still interested and I really don’t know how to get the message across.
Not just to the random “I want you” people, but also to the people who have grown to know you for you and not the shadow you cast in the hallways. How do you say “I’m not interesting in having a sexual relationship with you in any way” without sounding… odd?