I feel like I have a limb missing. I don’t know what happened to it, where it went, what it’s doing, what it’s thinking, how it’s feeling. I know that I’ve had this limb as part of my life. it’s been fading with time and now it just feels gone. It’s like something feels alien and because i can’t put a finger on it i’m constantly trying to find it. to get rid of it or fill a space. I have moments when i’m eating all the time to fill this void. lately it’s turned into sleep. I’ve made my bed a little Comfort Sleep Inn.
I feel as though I am falling apart – but quietly and when I am hidden away in my bedroom. Sleeping is the only way of escaping and blocking things out, it’s getting intense too. affecting my school and maybe social life. but i’d rather not let someone have the burden of making me feel alive or, something close to that when i could just sleep it off. It makes me feel like a failure. like i’ve lost control, i have no grip on reality so it just blows me around with these hormonal winds or whatever they are. The worst part is telling someone. It’s like hiding a secret, one i can’t trust anyone with because of the different responses. the judgement, the disbelief. it feels like being in the closet. i feel ashamed for feeling the way i do.
Yes, i could just fake the day. it’s hard though. you feel like a liar in court every time someone asks you if you are okay, then you smile and nod your head. to them it’s just routine. i’m slowly starting to hate that question. the answer is never i’m fine. people still don’t get the message. their in denial about how i feel. Some people don’t want to accept that you are depressed. They say things like “Oh, you’re probably just tired… you’ve been working too hard…you havent been sleeping enough… you’ll feel better in the morning…
When you talk about being depressed, you often see people giving you this look, like they’re not quite sure what to do or say… then you smile and say ‘but i’ll be fine’ to give them that window to escape from
I had gotten to a point where i started to ignore my own feelings. i’d swallow the lump in my throat till it disappeared. play Rihanna’s Jumpy happy music and life would go on. i’d be there but not there but at least i wasn’t down right? i think that’s where things really got messed up. when the liquor buzz was there for a week day after day and i thought i was happy and mingling. life was good. i was okay, but i wasn’t even there. things blended and emotions dulled out to a point where, no fucks where given and i wasn’t capable of giving one even if i tried. being indifferent is not healthy. i look at everything and go meh.. i shrug my shoulder and just keep breathing.
i’m alive right? i’m breathing, i can see the sun, the clouds, i can hear voices laughing and talking. i respond to questions, laugh on cue, exclaim with the right amount of ummpphh! this is enough right? you can feel my hug, right? i’m not completely not here. i’m not yet that selfish to deny you me. i still wake up each day, maybe not with enough zest for life and all it has to offer. but i’m here. with my bundle of emotions that i’m feeling all at once. so just , understand or pretend to. just let me Sleep Inn. It distracts me from the boring, lonely, meaningless void i’m stuck in. that missing thing.
i hope that, if you know me and you happen to read this. you wont bother me about how i’m feeling and how i should be feeling. i’m not going to tell you the details, the reasons, some of these i barely even know. don’t tell me about yoga, shrinks, motivational books, religion, the company i keep or random pep talks. i know you just want to help. i get that. and in your failing to make me happy don’t blame yourself.
the universe has many unexplained things. this is one of them. i am not crazy (yet). i am not suicidal (…) i just need time (and sleep) to find myself again.
Thank you for reading and understanding