“What’s wrong with you? Why are you always picking fights and causing tension between us?”
Me: “I don’t feel any tension and I’m not picking fights, where is your sense of humor? “
“well I do, it has to end. Can’t a week just pass with no arguments between us? You’re so moody towards me”
At that point in time I ran out of words. too many voices screaming responses in my head. Is this how I make people feel? Like I’m always trying to pick fights? I know I’m not the gentle lest of souls but I’m not violent. Not even, I feel so misunderstood. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It’s clear it’s not working and yes it’s easy to just fake a smile, society likes that, anything other is trying to be a victim of circumstance and I’m not allowed to feel anything but fine and happy and occasionally tired from all the hectic things of life.
Apparently I have white people’s illnesses. For some reason the internal damages are not real if you can’t see them in the flesh. I can’t rip out my heart and show you the bruises on the chambers but I feel them. They are real. They make me sad, I find myself wanting to bury myself in a dark hole and stay there infinity. Sometimes, I’m happy, the dangerous almost high kind Happy, I feel bran new, nothing you could say or do could get me out of this high and everything is just a joke, something said in passing.
I am not about to blame anyone for how I act, I take responsibility for it. But as a friend, or whatever you want to be or are in my life. Understand that some people go through real things that we cant fathom, others forget their entire life, others talk to walls, me? I’ve got moody personalities that are constantly racing with each other, trying to get to the surface to be seen. That’s what it feels like. I’m complex like that ; over emotional too many times, I enjoy a good laugh, might even be the only one who found something funny in a room. I’m easily reduced to a pool of tears and a seething ball of fury.
I’m afraid of sudden loud sounds, they make me feel unsafe, so don’t laugh when I jerk to the sound of something. You don’t know what’s happening inside. We have linked sounds, smells and tastes to certain memories we can’t erase. I’m still trying to block out all the bad parts.
If you feel like it’s too much, like I’m causing tension. Then just leave, just go. I understand. Even I sometimes get tired of me. just please don’t ask me to leave some aspect of me or not act a certain way because you feel it is unnecessary. If you feel like my baggage is too heavy, my mood swings are too constant, ridiculous, not justified, then just go.
I don’t need to keep up appearances for anyone. Maybe one day I’ll get there with help in the form of pills or shrinks. But I will get there. Just let me do me for now, this is all I know how to be, all I have left that’s alive and somewhat sane.
it’s okay to not understand… i guess.