What is it that we seek when we venture so faaarrr?

Blue, red, green and yellow lights were dancing across the black wall. Back and forth, round and round. Against the wall, glasses clinking in sync to the sound of the music as the DJ mixed different tracks feeding thirsty ears with sound. Scarlet wanted to turn the volume up so loud that this world would hear her scream. She got tired of being people’s door mat; they kept leaving traces of dirty snow all over her. The closest she got to them was at the bottom of their feet, when their feet accidentally played footsy under tables but it felt like they were kicking her in other places where it hurts so her heart thumped harder, , She was wet,  but this kind of soaked is drowning, it’s not snow it’s tears flowing like a waterfall but backwards. Don’t mind her polluting her waters with alcohol she’s just trying to numb the feeling of being filled to the brim.

Scarlet is dancing too much. She see’s droplets form on her skin and she wishes they were from her eyes because the need to release has been knocking at her door for the past few weeks and ignoring doesn’t help. It just reminds her that there are demons to be faced that she never can escape. So even when she closes her eyes and try’s to forget those visits she think more of them, take another sip from her pink straw as she walks to the bar. Sex on the beach maybe. After two shots she didn’t pay for and three songs later, feeling tired of the scene, Scarlet make her way to sheets laced with familiar scents and open arms, wrapping myself in them. Basking in the feeling of cool sheets to dry the last traces of water from her burning skin after soaking in a hot tub of insecurities. What is it that we seek when we venture so far from ourselves to find ourselves?

 

Scarlet is glad she can feel again. her feet start to hurt from all the dancing and her backbone starts to pop… laying naked under sheets wishing she had someone to cater to her to ease the throbbing between the parting of her thighs. but it is just her in this room. her and all the questions she is yet to answer.. who am i? where am I going? Where is my faith? Do I love me? she always  smiled at that question… sometimes .. maybe.. yes and no.. she guessed we have different ways of answering that one question. But after a night of toxins and adrenalin, the last bit of self searching one would do would only be physical. She lied to herself, telling that she was only straightening out the creases and easing some of the pain when her fingers were exploring oasis left undiscovered molding hills and tracing dark skin, finding curves, jewels and a bead that left her mouth open gasping for air while her feet were firmly planted and knees seemed to shiver making the sheets look like a tent caught in a storm. Someone was getting wet tonight. it’s that one flick that brings her jolting to life.. back arched and eyes closed looking at fireworks that sound like a heart beating too hard too fast. Inhaling, hoping if she held her breath the feeling would stay but it is gone twice as fast as It came.

Image

When Scarlet finally sinks back into bed, she sink back into loneliness and quite often guilt. Some part of her feels like it’s wrong but it feels so right … and incomplete. Only then do the ‘why’ questions start to taint the ceiling with stains.. in every corner and all that’s in within, a different question for every incomplete  answer. she wonders why she tries.. she can hear the skeletons in the closet rattle as they laugh at her attempts but what scares her more is the monster under her bed. she had  made a leaking roof out of its home what if it decided to drown her in her sleep… ‘what if…’ is never really a good way to start a question.. it only leads to more thinking and all she want to do is sleep.. her body is spent.. weak with slight satisfaction and fatigue but her mind plays a never ending game of chess with itself.

 Image

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s