the little i know

I know that I am  older now. that my voice is deeper and there are more stories I can tell. My hands are older, more wrinkles and lines outlining the places I have been and the things I have done , am doing and are yet to do. I know they love holding , filling gaps between other fingers and touching things with different textures, like soft skin that needs caressing every once in a while, course hair being braided and flour being kneaded.

I know hands reach for things like bibles and  ceilings in church. I know I often don’t know what to say but my conversations with God are getting longer each day, and though I stutter he is listening. I know that we all have a certain path we are to follow. That God’s will will be done in our lives and often we just need to take them time to listen for directions. Come humbly at his feet and hear his voice when it calls out to us, become little children listening to the stories he wants to tell us.

I know that distance does make the heart grow fonder and stronger. Your heart will beat faster as the days pass, the more you think of things that remind you of something familiar and safe. Something that feels like home. Like when you eat ice cream directly from a tub. You will think of a time when it was a luxury shared with close friends, something special. I know the scent of coffee will remind you of your fathers cup. How you washed it a bit more careful than all the others so it wouldn’t slip from your fingers, and how often your hands trembled as you walked slowly with one foot before the other to hand him a cup of black coffee, just the way he liked it. I know he was proud of me then but he never said it.

I know a picture is worth a thousand words. I know that music is beautiful, it’s a language we all speak, something like picture we can hear, often words are not needed. Just the sound vibrating against my eardrums. I know we get lonely. I know songs about loneliness. I know that singing them can make you feel better and also tear you apart. I know that we take listening for granted. Distance teaches you to value voices heard from phone lines. That is as real as together will get for now. i know that sound is how we communicate. I know meanings can get lost in translation, I know there is no ma’am or sir in Russian, and most of the things sound rude, I am uncomfortable with calling my lecturers by their first name.

I know I don’t know much about the things people teach me so I listen. I know I am curious, I ask why too many times and probe when I should let go. I know that school teaches you things but more often we don’t use them in our daily lives. That the classroom is a set up we often limit ourselves to. A way of life we have grown comfortable with, a norm perhaps. I know feelings. I know passion. I know that I don’t want to do something I’m not passionate about for the rest of my life. I know that happiness is something we can give ourselves. That smiling is easier that frowning.

I know that distance will show you your true friends. They will unveil themselves. Falling like rain drops from the sky. After the storm has passed. You will find yourself soaked to the skin and cold wondering where you went wrong on this journey, only then will a few hands stretch out to wrap themselves around you, I know there are people with good hearts and good intentions. We often don’t take a chance so we don’t find them. I know we start connections by saying hello. I know I’m glad you said hello. I know I’m grateful God made our paths cross.

 

I know that red traffic lights mean stop and that red is the colour of love. I love the mini rush of standing between moving cars. And often I am told not to do so. I am told not to do a lot of things but I do them anyway. We only die once. We live every day… Think of it like a daily deposit of time you can’t drag into tomorrow. I know I have time management issues. I know I sleep late and wake up late. I know I say I’ll sleep early tonight but often I stay awake to meet the morning sun before my eyelashes finally kiss. I know what it feels like to be alone. When the clock ticks a lot slower than usual and your thoughts are racing. You’re over thinking, over your daily limit of memories of a past love. I know what it feels like when there is no one to give you a hug.

I know that people will tell you the worst of you before they tell you your best. They will drag you down just so they are less threatened, and often truth from friends, even though it hurts is a helping hand out of a pit you fell in. I know that God is my best friend. I know if you want something you have to go get it. I know we can find it if we seek God’s kingdom first. I know that loving is harder than we think it’s not all flowers and chocolates but truth and honesty, all the time. It’s something beyond us but not impossible. It lives in us. I know love is selfless. I know how to share a smile.

I know that memories are future lessons we hold. That hot water burns and snow freezes finger tips. I know that grapefruit is bitter and lemons taste better. I know that accidents happen, there can be scars. I know my name means woman of war, in many ways I am a warrior. I have daily battles, like choosing to love instead of hate, being happy for someone you love when they find someone they love. I know there are stories we wish to tell our future selves. The person we wish to grow into one day and the carbon copies we shall make of ourselves. I know children are blessings.

I know what Luther King and Ghandi did. I know it’s easier to talk than walk. I know I like following someones lead, but often I have to take that first step. I know people are afraid of change. Even the simple things like hairstyles. I know we want to fit it, but I’ve been called weird so many times fitting in is no longer a priority. Just something that happens once in a while. I know I want to be understood. I know I’m good at placing myself in your shoes, I know I get angry but the sun doesn’t set while I’m mad these days. I know that falling starts are not really stars and the ocean doesn’t go on forever.

I know that I love pineapples, spiders and the smell of rain. I’m on facebook more than I need to be. I know that singing is not easy especially when you understand the lyrics. I know that silence from a mother doesn’t mean she is not thinking of you, she is missing you more than ever and looking for more ways to shape your tomorrow. I know that flowers are beautiful. I know I should no longer pluck them, they stay longer, beautiful and admired. I know honesty is sharp, clear and the straight to the point. I know I love my hair short. But people tell me a lot of things that I used to listen, I know I don’t care anymore.

I know I like taking walks. That my feet love kissing the earth. That picnics are not a white man’s trait and dubstep is beautiful if you listened to the music in it. I know alcohol makes you bolder and I’ve learnt how it is to be confident because of it. I know that when you have something in common with someone, it will bring you closer. I know that missing someone and telling them doesn’t mean you want them back. I know some people, will want you, but not as a child of God. I know sometimes, we say yes when we mean no. I’m learning how to say no when I mean it. I know that I speak things into existence, when I think I create. I often tell myself I am smart, kind and beautiful inside and out. I know that tomorrow is yesterday’s today. I know we procrastinate a lot. I know that “I’m fine’” has so many different meanings. I love hugs and kisses but mostly, comfortable silence.

I know that rejection felt like my heart was trapped between my ribs while trying to escape. Still beating and numb. I know I am not one person and non of them are me. I am a million in one. I know that I am human; beautifully flawed. That my eyes are big and brown. I know that the weather is unpredictable and so are my moods. I know that I’m falling for someone constantly. I know that God loves me always. That people are like seasons. They come and go while some change.  I know I thank the heavens for you and that I pray for you more than I do for myself.

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