if only life was as easy as programming.
hehe, well, programming is not easy at all, but at least you get a list of your errors, neatly piled up. a guide to help you make things better. something to help fix the errors?
i’ve been looking back to see where i am headed. seems i can move forward without looking back but i enjoy trips down memory lane, i enjoy reading those letters i got in 2011, they remind me that things can get so much better, or so much worse, depending on how i take things. they remind me that people don’t always stay, that their opinions about you change when you learn something new.
when you learn that loving isn’t always a mutual feeling. some people, just say they do as long as you make them feel good. as long as they are wanted, and needed and you don’t feel so alone. when they know they have a hold on you.
i’ve learnt that sometimes, i look for familiarity, something close to what i lost so i don’t feel so alone. it might be in the way the speak, or think… maybe even scold me. i can bask in the feeling that is familiar. i often think it’s wrong. i sometimes feel like it’s all a lie. i’m trying to deceive myself. imagination becomes everything when we are trying to cover up scars, fill in absent figures and find lost ones.
i guess what i’m trying to say, what my friends have noticed. there is a similarity. a bit too close to be a coincidence. you are two different beings but cut from the same cloth of awesomeness. me? i’m selfish. i didn’t have consistency as a kid, i’m trying to find a way now to make it constant. to make it feel un-alien? do you get me?
perhaps therein lies my fault. i have a hard time letting go. i can move on but i often think back. trying to find out where and when i tainted myself.. where i got derailed. when the image in the reflection wasn’t me.
i’m not sure if losing bits of me means gaining greater insight of who i am. it often feels that way, maybe i’m not losing anything. i’m just trying to keep everything in and feel it all.
but that would be selfish right?
“love alters not when alteration finds’
you were not so different so it was easy to love you. maybe this will tell you why. cause i dont know when or how i fell for you i just did. quickly and quietly. i stumbled upon it. a familiar raw feeling.
us emotional beings tend to want to share our feelings. i tend to want to make you feel like sunshine when you make me feel like there are angel wings flapping in my belly.
i also tend to shut down when all i get is cold and mechanical. often predictable.
i’m trying to compile my list of errors. i must say they are more than enough.
not being open is one of them.. so this is me trying to be open.