Sometimes When I Miss You

Sometimes when I miss you, when I’m feeling low and lost, just about to give up on everything I should be gripping on to with all I have. I place myself in your imaginary shoes.. I want to learn to stand as tall as you always seem to… I want to see me through your eyes.. you say I’m strong but at times I’m so weak being me feels like a burden. I’m walking around as a cadaver filled with a confused soul and lost personalities.

“I want to feel what you feel.. Why do you never lose hope? What’s at the end of your rainbow? That keeps you looking for its end. Why do your eyes always shine? Have I mistook your teary eyes for the light that shines from your soul, is the sun too bright whenever I see you? Is that way you hide behind your Ray Bans, rocking a t-shirt and jeans.. I loved it when you wore socks with slippers.. you looked so at home.. and we’d sit on the bench watching the ants march along the trail disappearing into the lawn that surrounded us.. I’d listen to the sound of the birds with one ear and your heartbeat with the other and try to make the moment last forever. Try to learn the song that made me feel like heaven did exist on earth , I wish I had kissed then. When you wiped the tears from my face and said it’s ok.. it will pass, the pain will fade. Maybe your lips would have been sweet.. and I’d fixate on bitter-sweet memories and tell someone I have had a Titanic moment. They don’t believe I’ve been in love,, I still am but that’s a story for another day. For now, I’m basking in the memory of you… the sound of your laughter has been forgotten but I still see you smile, contagious despite the distance as I day dream about those days I’d sit with you..I’m trying to count the number of ants, one for each day I have with you…would what we have disappear like the ants that surround us now? will our music fade after I’ve flown north even If i promised I’d come back?  Do you ever retrace your steps and think about the times we sat spent in each other’s presence, daydreaming but too afraid to dream out loud because we wouldn’t want to end up cropping our dream. “

 

I want to think like you think… why do you say the things you do? I place my head against your chest and you awkwardly place your hand on my back and it feels perfect, I cant hear you think but I feel it. Wish I could read your mind.. you take deep breaths at random intervals and I feel you looking at me, I ask you “what? “ you say “nothing”  … I dreamt I was there again. Sharing a comfortable silence with you, sharing moments when I wasn’t afraid to cry in front of you. You’d keep asking me questions and everytime I was tempted to say “nothing” but you began to take that away from me.. so I’d tell you what I could between the sobs and whispered words. I was opening boxes I had locked away but with you airing out wasn’t so hard.. so hold me closer my love..

 

I remember playing hide and seek with you in the museum, I was never afraid of the dark with you.. I’d laugh and follow the trail of light you left.. I’d swim in the tides of emotions that swallowed me whole as we danced for stuffed lions and hyena’s… I looked into your eyes and would have a flash of something painful when reality would decide to sink in… we wont be here forever.. so don’t mind me going silent and trying to remember every detail.. don’t mind me wrapping my arms around you as we walk the length of the past that would soon become hours… so don’t mind me gazing at the birds on a cliffs edge, wishing I could become one with the painting and fly away.. only to return to relive this moment again and again.. don’t mind the tear drops, friend.. I’m confused, wondering if I told you would you still love me the same way you did before I told you. Would you still hold me like I had a lily’s stem for a backbone.. ?  I keep telling myself this is just another game of hide and seek.. across oceans and mass of lands.. I’m looking for your heart though.. 

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