my boyfriend once asked me where i stood when it came to religion.
i answered. ‘i’m open minded’
i’ve never really been one to judge a person’s religion or lack thereof. due to recent circumstances i’ve come to open my eyes to somethings i’ve been completely blind to or rather chose to ignore.
i grew up in a Christian family.. usually one just falls into it, cultivates a habit of Sunday Mornings going to church and every now and then a prayer or two.i must admit it was exciting back then. we had awesome sunday school teachers who never failed to make knowing about God feel like something we should yearn for. i knew all the songs and dances, even helped choreograph a few shows for the festive seasons. i knew more bible verses then than i do now. i’ve gotten lazy over the years.. well .. maybe not. just lacking motivation, or lost sight of whatever i was looking at or aiming for.
my dad didn’t frequent church as much as my mum did. weirdly enough, he was the one who took us there at first. It was Nigerian just like he was; loud, welcoming, good food.. i gotta admit my dad can cook.
.. some Sundays, i went for the snacks, to meet my friends. try to stay awake during the sermon as the pastor preached, i’d swing my legs as i sat on the chair, hearing bible pages flipping as they read the King James Version using english i could not comprehend. instead i’d hum a song and one of the ushers tell me to stop. i’d gaze at the ceiling lost in thought.
“why do they pray so long?” i felt weird. i never closed my eyes. i repeated the same sentence after i ran out of things to say or rather pray about till the pastor said “and we all say Amen”
they few times we prayed as a family.. not over dinner to celebrate a birthday or holiday. my dad always found a way to escape praying, and if he did, it was usually short and to the point. i thought the love of Christ would somehow bond us but it never came to that. we all sprouted in different directions.
my decisions where usually based on common sense and perhaps what was left of religion in me. it was enough to get me far. i wish i tried to understand the things of the world better.
i am 17. i believe we can all be good, moral, accepted and loved.
i believe that love, should never hurt. but so often i have hidden underneath expectations my past expects of me, that my close friends expect, that i expect of me. we can all hide during the “exploration” phase. but for some epiphany comes a bit earlier, perhaps triggered by a memory , a revelation or maybe a heart breaking with guilt, loneliness and heartache.
i spent two weeks asking why and waiting for the pain to leave. they told me to pray. God will send his spirit to comfort you. felt a bit more like God is love, love aint suppose to hurt. therefore what i’m doing is utter BS. it took something of me to admit that i was denying myself of a blessing. something beautiful.
so i sat down as an open minded person. i threw out magic words i was brainwashed with and came face to face with the fact that maybe what i’m aiming for isnt the only thing i should reach for. there is so much more this universe has to offer.
i didnt ask questions. i didn’t want to know but now i’m filled with them. it feels weird to watch myself unravel. i feel like a pill underneath my tongue. i’m tasting and feeling. still contained but my flavors are robust and waiting to explode.